kissing in the sun
I dreamed of standing by a beautiful sunrise and holding you closer to me than anything else in the whole world. But then again, that was in my dreams.

If music has one supernatural power, it’s its ability to strongly connect with emotion and deep grey memories underlying the mask of present. No matter how old some true memories are, some music will just bring them back to life and will not fail to blow up the mask of happiness and bring forth the true emotional response.

Such as tears.

I thought I had put the past in the folder of the past. I thought I got past of the past. I thought I finally managed to convince myself that I have to move on with my life instead of hanging to what has already fallen apart. I thought I finally made the move of moving on with life.

But all of these assumptions were proved wrong when the playlist rolled on to this particular music after a sleepless night and I suddenly discovered tears under my eyes and joyous past on my mind.

I’m so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears

It’s regardless of the weather outside. A splash of rain makes people go dreamy and feel lonely most of the time. But not in my case. I enjoy rain these days. As much as I enjoy a windy weather with a huge cloud above in the sky ready to pour anytime. But they also hold memories. Memories of holding hands, speaking of dreams, talking about things that did not make any sense.

And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Your presence still lingers here
And it won’t leave me alone

In sunny days when the heat of the sun caused me sweat pretty awkwardly, she was right beside to wipe the sweat. If I ever felt sleepy on a transportation and she was on my side, I knew I had a ready shoulder to put my head on; and so did she. In winter, we would go out covered with sweaters and warm clothes but in bare hands refusing the freezing cold just for the sake of holding hands.

These wounds won’t seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There’s just too much that time cannot erase

‘Round the year, the weather changes and the memories come back each time. It’s been years. She doesn’t show up on my mind that often although I have this feeling of something not being there all the time. I managed to learn how to turn bitter things into motivation for a better future. I took everything that’s negative and turned them into a motivation to do something better in life. I tried to believe that she’s gone, and gone forever. And probably that’s for the best. For once, I thought I had succeeded.

I’ve tried so hard to tell myself that you’re gone
But though you’re still with me
I’ve been alone all along

But then again, when these words pass through my ear into my brain at dawn with all lights off and my eyes closed, I can’t help but wonder, why is it always the same with everyone? I didn’t think of any negativity when it all had begun. I didn’t have to pretend to care for her. I didn’t have to fake any of my emotions and feelings. They just came through my heart — expressed or unexpressed. But deep inside, I always had this going on my mind that in our life, she mustn’t be hurt, she mustn’t stay unhappy, or cannot be neglected in any way.

Years later, this comes back to me as a clear answer. I was the one who would be.

When you cried I’d wipe away all of your tears
When you’d scream I’d fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

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6 thoughts

  1. I can also relate to these lyrics hundred percent.. So funny how people’s experiences can be kinda similar…

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  2. Well, I love the way you write and the way you express yourself through words! I have no doubt you’ll get through with writing stories as you’re already so good at writing non-fiction prose, in which I envy you…as that is my weakness. 😀

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    1. Thanks! I guess God makes things equal in the end. If I didn’t have the ability to express myself through words, I guess life would have been impossible for me to live. People share things with close friends to lessen the pain. For me, it has always been writing. If I’m feeling bad for some reason, I sit down and write. Towards the end, my pain [kind of] heals.

      And thanks for the nice compliment! 🙂 But that was a little exaggerated. 😛 I’m sure you can write better than me. 🙂

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